


To Thine Own Self Be True

by TT40_Angst_Queen



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10573302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TT40_Angst_Queen/pseuds/TT40_Angst_Queen
Summary: A Tale of drugs, fear, and helplessness. And the eventual healing of.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, and kudos! Bookmark too!

Ryan Stiles sometimes wondered what it would be like to have everything he wanted, to have a perfect family, a wife and kids, a dog, and a big house, with a white picket fence and a big backyard. As he went through his career, he became more hopeful that he would get those things, his money and his fame would be a great help in attracting someone that otherwise wouldn't go for a skinny 6 foot 6 man with big feet and an even bigger nose. He didn't kid himself, he wasn't going to ever be on the cover of GQ, but he guessed he had his own charm, gawkey and goofy as it was. 

 

Being on both  _ Drew Carey Show  _ and  _ Whose Line is it Anyway?  _ Gave him recognition and a name. Gave him the fame he wanted. It was on the wrap up party of the UK version of Whose Line that he finally gave up. Tony had stumbled over to his Corner that Ryan was hiding in, hoping nobody would notice him. The man looked Drunk from those who didn't know the man when he was actually drunk, but Ryan was one of the few that knew that Tony had finally given up his Drinking and Drugs, going to AA  meetings, and a therapist for his depression and had specialized, non-addictive Medication to control his Bipolar Disorder. Ryan had begged the man to get help, citing his reason being that he hated to see such great talent go to waste. They both knew that that wasn't the main reason, but the older man appreciated that he’d also mentioned that he cared too much about him to watch him kill himself. It was better than pity. So the man continued to pretend he was still drinking, not wanting to see the pity in anyone's eyes, despite Ryan pointing out they would be happy for him, extremely so, rather than pitying. 

 

So yes, Tony was pretending to be drunk with a vodka glass full of water, stumbling over to him. 

The man sat down, throwing his arm around Ryan's thin, but wide shoulders and murmured to him in a low voice;

 

“What's wrong mate? Usually you're the life of the party, and here you are, sitting like a bump on a log.” Tony grinned, and took a sip of his water.  Ryan let out a breath, the air whistling through his lips and the gap in his teeth he liked to hide. Just another notch to his belt, another reason he wouldn't find his other half. 

 

Ryan shrugged off Tony's hand, not noticing Tony's frown, and put his face in his hands, digging his palms into his eyes. 

 

“Ry-” Ryan cleared his throat, a wet sound, his eyes suspiciously wet when he looked up at Tony. 

 

“I'm giving up, Tony.” Ryan didn't have to say anything else, Tony knew exactly what he was saying. The men shared deep secrets with each other, on Tony's way to recovery, giving them a level of trust with each other only equaled between him and Colin. 

 

Tony gasped, and put his drink down hastily, and Ryan noticed dimly that a drop of water hit the table, only to be absorbed by the serviette sitting next to his own glass of single malt whisky. He wished he could be like that drop of water, being absorbed by someone who wanted him, despite his flaws, and to be part of something bigger than himself. 

 

“Ryan…” Tony looked shocked, his eyes wide with concern for his good friend, someone he cared for, if he was honest, more than he cared for anyone else. 

 

“It's useless man, I'm 41 years old and I don't even have a girlfriend. People are starting to talk, saying I'm Gay, and the mail we get, fuck..” Ryan adopted a high tone of voice;

 

“..... _ And you and Colin are so perfect together! You make such a cute couple…  are you sure you ain't Gay dude?.... _ ” Ryan smirked, no humour in his voice, “and my personal favourite,’....  _ You and that bald guy better not be fags man, bad enough glasses and camp boy are poofters, we don't need someone with actual talent joining those fuckers…” _

 

Ryan grimaced. “I'm not Gay. But no matter what I say, nobody will believe a man over forty who's never had a girlfriend in his life.” The tall man laughed self-deprecatingly. “The whole cast thinks I'm Gay, including Colin.”

 

Tony slapped him on the face just hard enough to snap him out of his funk, and Ryan lifted one of his hands to his face, feeling the slightly warm skin where the shorter man's hand hit his skin. 

 

“Snap out of it you  _ wanker _ . Is there something _ wrong  _ with being Gay?” Tony hissed, his eyes fierce. 

 

Ryan lifted his hands in a gesture of peace. 

 

“ _ No!  _ Nothing is wrong with it but I’m just…” Ryan trailed off, lowing both his hands and his eyes. 

 

“You're not Gay.” Tony finished for him, his voice flat.  Tony leaned back in his seat, his eyes boring into Ryan's. 

 

“Are you  _ really _ sure about that Ryan?”

Tony didn't know it, but that question caused Ryan to turn into a downward spiral that lasted years. 

 

* * *

 

 

Tony laughed at something Josie said, talking about their early days of Whose Line. Josie, himself and Clive were reminiscing fondly as they watched the latest episode of the US  _ Whose Line.  _ The fifth season was just ending in the US, and this was the last episode until next year. 

 

Tony was just about to make a comment on Colin’s latest joke that had the US cast almost in tears, but the ringing of his mobile phone distracted him. He stared at it for a second, shrugging helplessly at them. He didn't recognize the number, but he did know it was from the US. Usually he ignored calls that he didn't recognize, but something unnerved him about the sudden call from across the pond, and he pressed the answer button on the keypad, before bringing the phone to his ear. 

 

“ ‘Ello?” Tony asked slowly, hearing someone on the other end that was clearly trying to hold back sobs. 

 

“ _ Tony _ ?” The familiar nasal twang of Greg Proops voice came through the crackly connection, and Tony's eyebrows shot up to his forehead. 

 

“ _ Gregory _ _? _ ” Tony choked, Josie and Clive straightening up, clearly wondering why Greg was contacting them now, when he just saw them a month ago when Greg came over for one of his stand up visits. An excuse he used every other month when he wanted to visit Clive. 

 

“ _ I didn't know who else to contact, Ryan told me about helping you get sober when he was drunk off his ass once, and I just… oh fuck!”  _ The sound of something fleshy meeting the impenetrable force of something stronger than it rang out on the phone. 

 

“Gregory, what is  _ going on? _ ” Tony cried, shocked that Greg resorted to punching something. 

 

“ _ Ryan’s in the hospital, they say he should have woken up by now, but it's been a week since.. _ ”

 

Tony could hear Greg start to sob into the phone, and it was loud enough that both his friends could hear it. They shot the phone confused, but concerned looks, having never heard their old friend, and sometimes lover cry like that before. 

 

Tony spoke loudly into the phone, trying to make himself heard over Greg's sobs;

 

“Greg, why is Ryan in the Hospital? What the bloody hell happened?” Tony ran his fingers through his hair, waiting for the other man to answer. 

 

“ _ Ryan Overdosed, on Cocaine and Alcohol. _ ”

 

Tony's eyes shot open, wider then saucers, and his hand flew up to clutch at his hair. He could hear Josie and Clive's shocked gasps from somewhere near him, and he realized dimly that at some point he must have turned the phone on speaker accidentally, still not used to technology.  

* * *

  
  


“What- bloody  _ fucking  _ hell Greg…  what  _ happened  _ to him? 

 

Tony didn't know what to say. Himself, Clive and Josie had taken the first flight they could over to the US, frantic with worry about their tall beloved friend  Clive and Josie were in the waiting room, as only two people at a time were allowed in, and though Tony had somewhat expected it to be bad, he didn't expect it to be  _ this bad _ . 

 

Tony had met Ryan when he was nothing but a Stick with a big nose, but right now, looking at the skinny, emaciated form on the hospital bed  with a breathing tube and multiple wires covering the pale form of his once vibrant friend, Ryan was even skinnier than before, being able to count each rib on his body, he stomach slightly concave, track marks on pale arms, and even wrists, when he clearly couldn't find a vein that wasn’t ruined. If Tony looked, he bet he would find marks between his fingers and toes as well. Ryan's once tanned skin was pale and dry, stretched thin over bone, and Tony found himself thinking hysterically that the makeup up people must be magical to cover up this amount of sickness on Ryan's face every time they shot an episode. This had to be going on for years. This amount of self abuse took years of drugs and drinking, of throwing up meals the stomach no longer wanted…. Good lord, what has Ryan  _ done  _ to himself? What made him resort to  _ this?   _ Tony barely recognized the man on the bed as Ryan Stiles, let alone someone living. 

 

“I don't know man. Ryan started drinking heavily after  _ Whose Line  _ left the UK. It started with getting smashed every other night, then he started getting drunk right after tapings….”

 

**5 Years Ago 1999**

 

“Come on man, it's time to go, you've had enough.” Greg could tell his words barely registered with the completely smashed man sitting at the table. A bead of sweat dripped down his face, evident that even inside the bar, a hot day like this wouldn't release him from its grasp. The effect of heat and Alcohol, plus very little food, had Ryan Stiles being even drunker than before. 

 

“f’ck ‘f Gr’g _ , ‘ _ m a d’mn ‘ell drink wa’ I wan’ t’ drink…” Ryan's words were barely understandable, but Greg got the gist, and could tell by the drunken anger in Ryan's glazed eyes that he would not hesitate to resort to violence if he tried to drag him away from his drunken misery. 

 

“Yeah, ok Cochise, whatever you say, I'm gonna just.. Go.” Greg waited until Ryan was lost in Drunk Land once again, before grabbing the man's keys from the pocket of his coat, and subtly waving over the bartender. 

 

“See Mister Drown his liver over there?” Greg nodded to Ryan, and the bartender raised an eyebrow, giving Greg a smirk. 

“ Ya’ mean the guy that's payin’ my rent with his bar tab? Yeah I see him. He's been here every night for a couple months, drinking away. Let me guess, you want me to Cut him off? Look buddy, last time I tried to do that, the man nearly tried to strangle me, I ain't gonna try it again.” Greg shook his head. 

 

“No, I took his keys, I want you to call a cab, give the driver this Address, and send him home safely when he's done destroying his liver. I don't even want to think how he's been getting home before now.” The bartender shrugged, that infuriating smirk on his face that Greg wanted to punch off his greasy face. 

 

“What can I say man, from what I can tell, He's an amazingly functioning drunk, guy can throw darts and get a bullseye when three sheets to the wind.”

 

Greg snorted, “Just call the cab.” he waited for the bartenders nod, them left, not looking back. 

 

_ “..... It went on like that for a few months, almost a year, Colin and I bonded over getting an intoxicated Ryan home safe…. Then he started on the drugs. He already smoked a hella lot of weed, but then he started on the hard stuff… first it was Cocaine…” _

**4 Years Ago**

 

Greg stepped gingerly along the wooden floor of Ryan's LA apartment. Usually this place was clean, as he only stayed there when he was taping, otherwise he would be living in Bellingham in his house, but Ryan recently sold his house, stating he would rather just stay in LA. Greg wondered heavily why that would be. He heard Colin suck in a sharp breath beside him,  and he followed the older man's line of site, and swore sharply. 

 

There, shirtless, dirty, unkempt, and clearly drugged up to his eyeballs, white powder littering his nose and sprinkled on the table, was Ryan. 

 

“Oh, Ryan…  What are you doing…?” Colin's voice was full of sadness and fear for the man on the couch.

 

_ “.... Then it was Heroin…” _

**3 YEARS AGO**

 

Greg watched with muted horror as his long time friend plunged a needle into his arm, and by the looks of his inner elbows, this wasn't the first time. 

 

“.... Oooooh yeah…  that's it..” Ryan sighed in bliss, as the drug pumped through his veins, he looked happily up at Greg, and the younger man could only look sadly back into his drug addled friends eyes. 

 

“Ry…” Ryan put a finger on Greg's lips, shushing him. The hand then stroked down his face, and Greg shuddered, something in his abdomen twisting in knots. Ryan's hand explored his face, stroking his cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, then stopping at his lips.

 

“..... Greg…?” Ryan asked him sleepily, his eyes half mast, but completely aware, Greg could tell, of what he was doing. One sign of a heavy user. 

 

“Yeah Ry?” Greg hoped that somehow, Ryan would keep doing what he was doing, but at the same time, he realized his friend was drugged out and legally couldn't consent, and it would be horrid of him to do anything with Ryan while he was drugged up. 

 

“.... How did you know you were Gay?”  Greg froze. Ryan was always completely adamant he was straight, would yell at anybody who said otherwise. He knew everyone thought the man was Gay, and while Greg himself teetered on the edge of believing Ryan, this threw him off balance, his belief wavering and shaking. 

 

“Well, I was never attracted to woman that way.. I tried, but I just never found any that interested me. Then I met Tony and…. Well. One thing led to another and we had a night that made me realize I was Gay. Afterwards Clive and I started dating. I'm happy now.”

 

Ryan gazed at Greg deeply, his eyes full of words Greg could tell Ryan wanted to say, words from the bottom of his heart, but couldn't say for Fear of… something that Greg didn't know about. Ryan continued Stroking Greg's lips, the flesh moving under the long, once tanned, now pale, fingers of his friend. 

 

“.... I think I'm Gay…” Greg's reply was cut off by Ryan's chapped, dry lips against his. 

**Present time**

  
  


“We didn't sleep together. Ryan passed out after about two minutes making out, I almost panicked before he started snoring….” Tony chuckled wetly. He knew the man snored, like an engine. 

 

“Bugger…  what happened after that?”

 

“He started on pills, anything he could get his hands on, Ecstasy, Pain pills, He even told his doctor he was depressed to get depression drugs. I honestly don't think he was lying, to tell the truth. Ry was clearly messed up, physically and mentally.”

 

Greg choked on a sob, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. Tony could see the bags under his eyes, and rubbed his shoulder, hoping to release some of the tension in the older man's back. 

 

“Then Dan found out about a week ago.”

 

“Fuck.” Tony swore, knowing that couldn't of gone well. Their producer was notorious for being a dick to anything that threatened his show, anything at all. 

 

A chuckle. 

 

“He was surprisingly sympathetic. He offered to stop tapings for the whole next year, give Ryan a break, even offered to phone up a rehab center. Hell, I'm pretty sure he mentioned something about Dr. Phil. Wouldn't be surprised.” Tony found Dan’s sympathies suspicious for the man, but left that alone. 

 

“Who?” Tony asked, having never heard of ‘Doctor Phil’ before. 

 

“It's an American show, a Doctor gets people that have major problems on his show and he helps them the best he can, ends up rehabilitating 99 percent of the people that come on his show, he's a no nonsense guy, hell, I might even call in for Ryan.” And Greg was completely serious as well. If anyone could figure out what made Ryan go into such a harsh downward spiral, that man could. 

 

“Sounds like a good idea, with that success rate.” Tony said slowly. 

 

Greg cleared his throat, suddenly dry from all its talking. 

 

“Yeah. Anyways, Ryan had this cornered look to him, ran out of Dan’s office, and the next thing I know, Colin's calling me he found Ryan in his trailer, not breathing, and needles pills, and an empty bottle of whisky with him.”

 

“Oh lord.” Tony breathed, “He tried to kill himself…” Tony then had a sudden lurch of memory, and remembered the last conversation he had with Ryan before he left the UK for good. 

 

“Shite. This might be my fault…” Tony rubbed his face harshly, clenching his fists. Greg laughed shortly. 

 

“How could this possibly be your fault Tony…”

 

The shorter man grimaced and  rubbed his now shaking hands together, trying to hold back the tears in his eyes, the knowledge of what his simple, innocent question turned his friend toward making his heart lurch and his chest tight. 

 

“Last time I saw Ryan, 5 years ago at the wrap party, he was telling me he gave up on looking for a relationship. He went on one of his rants on on not being Gay, and I asked him what was wrong with being Gay, and he said nothing was and said that he wasn't. I asked him if he was completely sure about that, and he went quiet, then got up and left. I guess…  he had a crises or something. I know he was raised in a stern home, and his family wasn't the most…  accepting people growing up…  I shouldn't have said anything.”

Tony shuddered.  _ If he'd known.. Maybe Ryan would still be…  _

 

But Greg could tell what Tony was thinking right away. 

 

“Don't blame yourself Tony, you couldn't have known.” Greg stared sadly at the prone man in the bed. 

 

“Nobody could have."

* * *

 

 

Ryan did eventually wake, with a groan. It had been three weeks since he tried, and for a few minutes, succeeded, in killing himself. Nobody knew what the ramifications of being clinically dead for four minutes would affect his brain. The doctors, in fact, only shared that tidbit with them a week after Tony got there. After being thoroughly chewed out by an incensed Greg, they admitted that he most likely would have some sort of brain damage, how severe, they had no clear idea until he woke up.

 

“Fuck…” was the first thing that came out of Ryan’s mouth upon waking, making everyone in the room jump. Tony quickly shot to his feet, leaning over Ryan, but careful not to encroach into his personal space.

 

“ _ Why didn’t you tell me _ ?” Tony hissed through clenched teeth. Ryans eyes widened, and he leaned back in his bed.

 

“T-Tony?” Ryan sputtered, then taking in the rest of the room, where he saw Josie, Clive, Greg, Colin, Brad, Drew, Jeff and Chip. 

 

It all seemed a bit much for poor Ryan, whose eyes rolled back in his head. Tony though he was about to faint, but immediately noticed Ryan’s entire body start to tense, then jerk and shake, like he was vibrating. 

 

“Shit!” Tony swore, pushing the call button on the wall beside the bed. “He’s having a bloody seizure!” 

 

The others stayed out of the way, all of them reluctantly, as the nurses dealt with it. They put Ryan on his side, making sure nothing was obstructing his airway, and put his leg that was open to the air bent a little bit. when  Tony gazed into Ryan's wide, frightened eyes, he felt something in him snap. Ryan needed help, badly. And despite this experience Ryan is now having, he knew his friend well enough, as well as the mind of a depressed addict, that this wouldn't stop without help. Tony would help himself, but Ryan had gone further than Tony himself ever had. He had Ryan there to stop him before he sunk to Ryan’s current level. Tony would not be able to help Ryan in his state. They needed professional help. 

 

After the nurses were done, and Ryan had dropped off into an exhausted sleep, Tony turned to Greg, a steely, determined look in his eyes.

 

“Tell me about this Dr. Phil.”

* * *

 

“Usually, on my show, we have family’s or people that contact me because they or someone they know needs help, and I’m the only one they can turn to.”  Dr. Phil says to his audience. 

 

“But a couple of weeks ago, we were contacted by Tony Slattery.” most of the audience  gasped, some of them didn’t, not recognizing the name.  Phil nodded, a grim look on his face.

 

“For those of you who haven't heard of him, he is a British Comedian and Improvisor, well known for his role in several commercials, but mostly, of his main role on the show  _ Whose Line Is It Anyway? _ In the UK, which 5 years ago, move to the US.” Nods were shared in the room, and Phil continued, motioning to the monitor, where a slideshow of his pictures were shown.

 

“Now, Tony wasn't asking for help for himself,” Confused murmuring from the crowd. 

 

“He was asking help for a  _ friend,  _ Who Tony says helped  _ him _ quit his addiction with drugs and alcohol, and got  _ him _ to see a therapist.” 

 

“This man's name,” the monitor changed to show a tall man with disheveled hair and pasty skin, in one of the show houses they used to keep their guests before  show to observe their behaviour for a few days.

 

“That man’s name, is Ryan Stiles.” shocked gasps filled the room, the crowd knowing the famous man from the Drew Carey Show and WLIIA, and had no clue the man was having problems. 

 

“Tony says he had no  _ idea _ Ryan was having problems, until two months ago, Ryans friend and Co-worker, Greg Proops, contacted him over the phone to tell him Ryan had  _ overdosed _ on Drugs and Alcohol, trying to  _ end _ his own life. Take a look.”

 

Phile turns the monitor to a recording of interviews of Tony and Greg separately.

 

**_Tony_ **

 

_ “ I had no idea Ryan was having problems, I hadn't heard from him since Whose line had ended in the UK, and Greg never mentioned it when he came over every month to visit. Ryan helped me out on my addiction and helped me keep it hidden from everyone, so I never expected him to end up like this. I blame myself for this…” _

 

**_Greg_ **

 

_ “Ryan started drinking the day he left the UK. I found out how bad it was when found him at a bar one night and the Bartender told me Ry had been driving home drunk every night, smug ******* was so happy over the fact that Ryan could function normally drunk. I ended up Taking him home with Colin every night, making sure he didn't kill anyone on his way home. Then he started doing Cocaine, started out slow, maybe a couple times a week, till it escalated to two to three times a day, depending on his mood. He would be moody, uncooperative, he would yell at people. He was an ***.  But he was always professional at work. It got to the point where you couldn't tell when Ryan was Sober, or High, or drunk. Because they were pretty much the same people. Then he started on the Heroin, and yeah, he was in a better mood after he shot up, but it was always…. Hollow. Empty. Ryan wasn’t home anymore, I had lost my friend. Ryan has nothing against gays, or any person like that, but with him being single his whole life, people insinuate some things… hell, they still do, and to be honest, I’m not sure if i believe them or not. Ryan gets worse when someone alluded to the fact he might be gay.  He loses his temper a lot when someone brings it up, and as much as I love my friend, you don't lose your temper on something like that when you're not a phobic, unless you're hiding something. Tony asked Ryan on the UK wrap up Party for WLIIA if he was sure he wasn't gay, then Ryan does this, you don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduct that something's connected. While I have my suspicions, I’m not gonna anger my friend. Tony and I contacted Phil because we think he is our only hope to get the Ryan we know is still in there back.”  _

 

Phil looks at the audience. “Now  _ usually _ , we would have an interview with Ryan. but when Ryan tried to kill himself with narcotics, he succeeded for a total of  _ Four minutes _ , causing brain damage, that gives him random seizures. While we were waiting for Ryan to arrive, we got a call from our production assistant that Ryan had a seizure  _ while _ they were escorting him to be interviewed.” Shocked muttering went through the crowd.

 

“Please welcome, Ryan Stiles.” The room was almost silent except for the shuffling of clothes, as Ryan walked toward the stage. Ryan looked different then his TV persona. The man was a walking skeleton, pale, disheveled, his hair looking like the stylist gave up on it. 

Ryan sat down on one of the chairs near Phil onstage. 

 

“Hello Ryan, it's Nice to meet you, please, have a seat.” Phil said gently, Shaking the tall man’s pale hand.

 

“Nice to meet you too.” Ryan said shortly, his voice hoarse.

 

“I hope you feel better. I was told you had another seizure a couple hours ago.” Phil said, trying to make Ryan feel at ease, seeing the tense muscles of the blond man's shoulders.

 

“I’m Fine, a little sore.” Ryan mumbled, gazing around himself, noticing the eyes of the audience riveted on him, he winced. Dr. Phil’s eyes noticed immediately.   
  


“Don’t worry about the audience Ryan, they aren't here to judge you. You’re here to get help, to figure out what’s going on in that head of yours, and get you healed. Not for your friends, not for the audience, and not for the fans, but for yourself. Because you  _ deserve _ to be healthy, you  _ deserve _ to be healed, and you  _ deserve  _ to be happy.” The audience clapped, and cheered, and Phil’s keen eyes saw a flash of hope and a tiny smile on the Actor’s face. 

 

“Thank you.” Ryan said softly, fidgeting with his hands.

 

“Don’t be thanking me, I’m just helping you figure out how to help yourself, I’m just giving you the stepping stones to do it. Now, Greg had told us your decent into you addiction started after Tony had asked you a specific question. Can you remember what that was?” 

 

Ryan scowled. “A question is an inquiry-” Phil stopped him. 

 

“Now don’t get smart with me, you know exactly what I was asking Ryan. I can’t help you if you aren’t willing to help yourself.” Phil stared at ryan with steely eyes, and Ryan gritted his teeth.

 

“Why the hell does it matter what he asked me?” Ryan hissed out, a slight hint of fear in his eyes that Phil grasped onto. He was pretty sure he knew why Ryan had turned to Drugs, his fear of being Gay, but what Phil didn’t know, was why he had that fear in the first place.

 

“Because those were the words that  _ turned _ you toward this twister of self abuse and hate that you have turned yourself into, and  _ telling me _ will be that first step  _ out  _ of Oz.” Ryan twitched his lip at that, but refused to laugh. This  _ wasn’t _ funny.

 

“He asked me if I was sure I wasn’t  _ Gay _ .” Ryan snapped, clenching his fist on the-admittedly comfortable-chair.

 

Phil nodded, writing something down on his pad. 

 

“Yes, and what did you think, what were your first,  _ immediate _ thoughts when Tony asked you that?” Phil asked, his hands clasped in front of him.

 

“....” Ryan mumbled, too quiet for the mic to pick up. Phil sat back, and asked him to repeat himself.

 

“I said, I thought me might be right.” Ryan muttered through tightly clenched teeth. Phil nodded.

 

“And that made you panic, and turn to drugs and alcohol. Why?”

 

Ryan shook his head, eyes tightly clenched, and for the first time since Phil had seen the man, his face showed something other than anger; Fear. 

 

“I Can’t….” He whimpered, his nails digging into his palms.

 

“What do you mean Ryan? What Can’t you do?” Phil asked gently, knowing that this was a delicate situation. This could either fix Ryan, or turn him to another downward spiral.

 

“I wanted to make it stop…” Ryan whimpered. Phil jumped at this, and he suddenly had a very good idea on what made Ryan turn to his path of self destruction.

 

“What did you want to stop Ryan?” Phil asked gently, motioning to the audience to be silent for a minute.

 

“His hands…. His touch…” Ryan shuddered. “I only wanted a kiss… to see if I was gay but he-he wanted more- he wouldn't stop- i told him to stop… why didn't he stop…”  Shocked Gasps filled the audience, that were clearly now fully aware of what had happened to the man before them, and what put him on his current path.

 

“Did this man, whom I am guessing you met  _ after _ you left Tony at the bar, did this man  _ force _ you into sexual intercourse with him  _ without _ your consent? Did he  _ rape _ you?”

 

Ryan nodded, whimpering, tears starting to fall. 

 

“I can still feel his hands, and his.. Parts… and my body betrayed me… I didn't like it but my body… I know I’m gay, but I don't want to be like..  _ Him… _ I just wanted to block it all out, the memory of his touch, his words…. He called me a slut… and a whore…. He told me I was worthless..” Ryan sobbed. It took awhile before it calmed down. 

 

“Ryan, I think you you have a lot of demons, and I think I took a lot of _courage_ and _bravery_ for you to come here today and shared what you have. I am _proud_ of you, and I _know_ you will get better. I want to offer you something to help you on your journey of healing.”

 

Ryan nodded, taking the handkerchief that Phil handed him, wiping his face, then blowing his nose. 

 

“I want to get better, I will do  _ anything  _ to get out of this rut,” Ryan sobbed. 

 

Phil motioned to an older, grey haired man sitting in the audience. 

 

“For those that don't know him, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Lawlis,  Director of Psychological and Neurological Plasticity Programs. He works at Origins recovery center in Texas….”

* * *

 

**1 year later**

  
  


“Come on Greg, shove over, your fat arse is blocking my view!” Tony grumped teasingly, playfully shoving Greg to the side. 

 

“Oh shut it Slattery, you know you want my fine ass.” Greg snarked back, smirking at the shorter man. 

 

“Why you-” 

 

“Can both of you please be quiet, I think I see Ryan!” Colin’s voice caused them to jump up, forgetting about fighting over the seat, and looked across the airport where Colin was pointing. They almost didn’t recognize the tanned, vibrant, smiling face of their best friend, who while still thin, was more a normal thinness for someone his height.

 

“Hey guys!” Ryan exclaimed, immediately grabbing Colin in a hug, then hugging them all in turn.

 

“Hey Ry, you look great!” Colin laughed, gaining his breath back. 

 

Greg nodded, smiling widely at his friend. “Yeah Man, you look amazing.”

 

“I feel amazing, I feel healthy, I feel better then I have in ten years!” Ryan laughed, his smile bright and dazzling.

 

Tony grinned widely at Ryan, Ryan returning it full force. 

 

“So you’re feeling ok now? You’re healed.” Ryan Smiled at Tony a little sadly.

 

“I’m feeling healthy, and I’m happy with myself. I won’t ever be completely ok, I’m still scarred emotionally. But my time away showed me that while I can look at those scars, they are only scars, healed over. I’ve healed them from a wound that I would prod with needle, to a scar that can’t hurt me anymore, that I only look back on as something that hurt me once, but can’t hurt me again.”

 

Tony nodded, grinning. “I’m Glad you’re feeling better Ryan. you look happier than I’ve seen since I met you.” Ryan Nodded, putting an arm around his shoulders. 

 

“I say we celebrate with a nice dinner at the most overpriced restaurant we can find, and gorge ourselves on the complimentary bread!”

Ryan laughed, keeping his arm around Tony, he started walking towards the exit, his bag rolling along behind him in his other hand.

 

“Sounds like a great idea Greg!”

 

They started towards the exit, laughing and squabbling over who would pay the check, Ryan fighting over Greg over Colin Over Tony, smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts. Something that had once been broken in their little unit, but it was now fixed, healed over and scarred, part of the past but not a part of their future. 

 

Ryan would be ok, now that he wasn’t fighting his nature, hiding himself. Now that he had healed from his past.

 

As Shakespeare said; 

 

“ _ To Thine Own Self Be True… _ ”

 

**The End.**

  
  
  
  



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